my ranting space

For the longest, I've always been envious. Envious of someone's beauty, hair, income, friends routine, mindset. I have the ojukokoro syndrome to a T, always looking at what others have and neglecting mine even if I'm in a good space. Whenever I saw someone, I was always in a constant state of lack that it seemed they were always flaunting their "abundance". "Look at me, I have perkier boobs than you!!" "My hairline isn't struggling like yours, tee hee hee." I could blame this mentality on years of competitive boarding school life, where prepubescent males would draw up lists of finest girls and I barely made them. Or when my classmates would ostracise me because I was "disturbed". Or when my classmates would compare intelligence and say I'm not really smart, I just know how to cram. The fact that I remember these statements and events verbatim shows how much I've healed. I've not. Not really. I'm trying to. I'v...

  I can't afford therapy, so I'm in the process of deconstructing myself just so I can heal or, at least, heal enough to enjoy life and myself a little more.  One nasty habit I've struggled with for the longest is my self-consciousness. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, or it's the endless mix of taunts and compliments I've received, but I'm constantly thinking of what other people are thinking or think about me.  Thinking because I assume it's a constant act. Think - what representation of me exists in their minds?  Constantly thinking. of what. other people. are thinking. about me. Inserting myself in other people's minds and ruminating over what that image of me could be there. Isn't that insane? It's quite narcissistic. The gall to think that strangers, with their own problems, lives, and realities, have enough time to constantly be bothered with me. Is narcissism extreme? A bit, but Google dictionary says Narcissism is "exces...

Wow, it's been five long years since I posted here, and is there anything I've ever successfully completed besides my degree? I was a teen when I made most of my posts, and here I am, 23, overwhelmed by more societal and mental pressure than past Mes. Crushed under the weight of the past and future while living in neither.  You know, life IS simple, but my life is very hard because I choose to suffer. I've chosen to cultivate a mind that is a revolving door of voices and images of embarrassing past events and devastating future events that are yet to happen.  Previously, I'd have never admitted this, but after reading Courage to be Disliked  by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, I had an epiphany. Why really do I run away from the beautiful present? Why have I chosen to blame past people, events, and Mes. Here's a quote that really stood out to me: " We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining... We determine our liv...

 Who says you have to be happy for someone's success? I don't know if I'll say it's the society that has conditioned us, but it almost seems like we're forced to be happy for someone else. But come on, we're human. Jealousy & envy is to be expected. I'm sure most, if not ALL, of us have seen someone celebrating something and thought, "why can't that be me? "It's perfectly normal, and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting what someone else has. Or thinking it should be you instead. It's giving hater but boo fucking hoo.  On a side note, this isn't for chronic haters oh. If you go about hating on people's success, that's on you tbh.  This is for my fellow people who sometimes feel less or like god's worst offspring when they see how well it's going for other people. I can't say it's going to get better, but you could make it better for yourself. I'm talking s...n...i.... Lmao, I'm joking! But fr, l...

Here comes another milestone. We're finally in a new month, July, the seventh of the 12 months. To some, this is just another month. And to others, this is a cruel reminder that they're yet to achieve most of the things they want.  I just want to tell you to breatheeeeeeeeee. As you're reading this, take a deep breath. Hold it in. Hold it. Still hold it. Now releaseeeeee.  See ehn, you can't come and kill yourself. Unless you actually want to unalive yourself... But that's beside the point here. Take every new month like a clean slate. Another chance to accomplish more things and take more steps towards your goals.  We focus so much on the things we don't have, that we lose sight of the things we do have. Okay, maybe you're not yet working at your dream job. But you have a warm bed to sleep in at night and can eat most of the things you want. It may seem like a small thing, but isn't it the little things that matter the most? ( Yes, I went to google to c...

 I won't even lie, I give up very fast. Let me provide the background story for this topic. Some days ago, I had this sudden epiphany about starting a newsletter. It's something that'll challenge me, bring me out of my comfort zone and hone my skills. I was thinking, " This is going to be easy" Oh, how wrong I was. Creating an account on Mail Chimp was easy, but that's where it stopped. My enemies started making a mockery of me when it was time to design my sign-up form. Do you guys know how hard it is to match attractive colours? Very damn hard. Everything kept looking like visual diarrhoea, and it wasn't long before my head started banging. Shoutout to designers, it isn't easy at all. While I was facing the monkey ( Mailchimp ), I already felt like giving up. I still do, tbh. But then I asked myself, " How many things do you want to fail at? " LMAO, I'm laughing at myself as I'm writing this, but it's really true. I have this sa...

 Honestly, if your parents are the best, congrats. And clearly, this isn't the post for you. I think people misunderstand when we bash our parents. I mean, I'm not a perfect human being and I definitely suck in some ways. I can acknowledge that, so why can't I point out the same in the people responsible for my existence? I previously titled this rant parents suck but do they really suck? I snap and get cranky at the slightest inconvenience and I haven't even started taking on any major responsibilities. Imagine just trying to survive, dealing with family drama bills, etc, and having to cater to a child too? I'm not even trying to justify anything but writing it down now, I'm not even surprised at the transfer of aggression. Maybe when some of our parents look at us, they see mistakes and regret. Sucks to hear but meh. Recent dealings have also taught me that majority of parents are just overgrown babies. Poor communication and unappreciation are huge problems f...

 Idk but I naturally don't gaf about new years. I know it's an opportunity to set new goals but what's the point if you enter the new year feeling unfulfilled? I guess the average person gets this rush of hope when they see that they've crossed over to a new digit they can write on dates. But honestly, I'm just feeling very meh. I'm anxious about results, taking on more responsibilities, and the rejections that I'll inevitably experience. ( already experiencing some, in fact )  I'm still waiting for that glimmer of hope. That moment of clarity where I see great potential in this year. Where I'll feel like a mountain climber who finally got the guts to scale an intimidating mountain. But at this moment, I'm still at the couch level. Useless, unmotivated, and just eating and sleeping. I'm happy for the people whose years have already started on a good note because my constant mood these days is annoyance. I don't even have the strength to p...

The name of our book for today is Gothikana. I read this earlier in the year and I couldn't put it down. One thing that got me hooked was the descriptions, this author was precise as fuck. I felt like I was living in the book and ( perhaps ) enjoying the good stuff the MC was. I don't want to say too much about the book, but if you like good mysteries, twists and brooding ( enigmatic) males, you'd love this. The main girl-  weird, unconventional, and hears voices. Her background is also dark which I just love. And she wasn't a helpless, dumb bish that relied on the male so I loved that. Lemme just come clean, what made me really dig the book was the sexual tension and roles. Their relationship was forbidden ( student-teacher) so there was a lot of sneaking around, and excitement. The foreplay was well-paced too, her pant didn't magically open after seeing the guy. This is a dark and sexual novel and if you want roses, and happiness please just move away.  But if you...

 I feel more useless than condoms in a brothel. Now, now, I know I'm not ( possibly), but it never really matters does it?? You're trying your best to excel at something, but it never seems to work out. You know you're deserving of better things but it seems like sky daddy wants you to scramble a little more.  You've PRAYED, MANIFESTED, done everything short of sacrificing a virgin goat but stiiiiilllllll. Life just keeps fucking you with all sorts of diseases. When will it get better? When does it tho? You have 2 good days then the 5 remaining days are just a joke. I know I'm a joke but God, abeg nau. Razzpods, Sapa, intellectual decline etc.  People killing their loved ones isn't even entertaining me again, smh. But, we meuve. Things will get better ( AMEN)

 If i had written this post 2 weeks ago, I'd have probably had only good things to say but Satan ( maybe God too ) said " not yettt!!! " Like bruh can I fucking catch a break? Why do I always have to say or complain about things that should be common sense? Why could humans be so insensitive? Wtf. I've complained about this issue before and now I'll have to complain about it again? Me and my roommate probably have the best relationship ever but this her friend, MY GOD THIS HER FRIEND How will you be coming to somebody's room to read for exams? Aspa? The roommate no get exams too? How will i complain about this and she'll still be coming to read again? Well this is the part where I'm a pussy or a goat comes in. It's something I really should complain about but * inserts happy mumu song * Before I snap and randomly scream one night I'll be hopefully communicating this to my roommate. Because can I take this anymore? Not at all. My GPA is on life ...

 Up and down by doja cat literally describes this sad earth and life. Some days you’ll be feeling like you can conquer the world and then some you’ll be praying for a trailer to hit you😭. Some days I’m like ah see fine babe. Literally want to kpansh myself 7 ways to sunday, yes.😼 And the next day, my phone camera shows me that shreks ass would be a blessing compared to my face and it’s just😭. Can’t sleep, listening to music and life is seeming pretty good rn ( probably going to change soon ) so just felt like writing here. A lecturer decided it would be a good idea to give a test a week after the class and now I actually have to finish work earlier than usual lol .  Now I’m listening to what to do by Travis Scott and don toliver and I feel everyone should listen to it too because we’re all fucked up🤗. I’ll try and be posting weekly- famous last words😂.  Lucky Daye is my artist of the week🥺 karma is just beautiful. Current read is Here lies a corpse by C.L. Matthews ...

 Am i the only one who;s bored out of my mind right now?? Like, there are games to play, videos to watch and things to occupy yourself with but still, something is missing? Sexual deviants would think I'm talking about something else Read a couple of novels now and almost wish one tall, dark handsome stranger would kidnap me?? But I know it would end in tears because if I get kidnapped I'm either ending up in the bush or 6 feet under. If I end up in the bush I'd probably be praying for death. maybe this is just pre-exam jitters getting to me along with laziness to read.  Novels really have a way of getting under your skin sha. Even the ones about pointless sex and cliche males. God safe me. I'm bored, not so broke and did I say bored again? Maybe I'll pick up a hobby next week or do something exciting? Hope whoever is reading this has an exciting life filled with adventure and spontaneity. Have fun for me too!

 Was meant to be writing and getting work done but instead, I was virtual stalking someone because they intrigued me.... I went through their ( the victim of my stalking? ) blog and saw how they changed over the years and thought, " how was I 2 years ago?" Was I more naive, happy, tolerating, you know an unrefined version of my present self... and from what I read it seems like the me from 2 years ago was more strict and angry.  I'm not as angry as I was in 2018 because honestly, I no get energy for too much stress. I love the fact that 2018 me isn't such a stark contrast from my present self that I'll be wondering " wtf did I ever think that way " In fact, I still carry most of her opinions and I hope I haven't become worse or anything like that. Lemme just start using age abeg.  16 year old me was sensible enough for 18 years old me to understand. I know I'll make more mistakes and experience a lot more so I can't wait to see what I'll ...

 someone commented on my last blog post to ask " how far? " or smth like that on the potbelly chronicles menene. Well, obviously, it was an epic fail Behhtttttt i've made some lifestyle changes that will hopefully produce results soon. I don't eat late, I upped my water intake and adopted intermittent fasting to make up for my half-ass exercise regime.  I created special time today to write this( aka i'm postponing my mid day nap to be productive). Till i decide to write here again, pizz awt

So I want to try and lose some weight before we resume cause I might as well do something worthwhile.... I have zero motivation of course; just joblessness and the little cracks my heart gets when I want to wear a jean and it encounters roadblock... If I start to talk on all the jeans I've missed out on because of this stupid stomok my tears go full bucket ama kip kip thooooo. Idk if I can last more than 3 days with this exercise ish sha. I last consistency, my sleeping, and eating suck. So maybe writing will ginger me to exercise more idk. My only motivation rn is jeans... Wish me luck guys.  I'd update after doing the exercise i got from Pinterest today after i officially sleep, I'm currently running on zobo Here is the exercise incase anyone wants to join me, your pudge doesn't have to be as big as that ( mine is even barely noticeable but I'm tyadddd) I just looked at this and I'm already having chest pain wtf? God no go shame us sha, I'l...

This is my first post on this blog ( damn I want to post an emoji after this ) cause this is the first time I've gotten enough inspiration to write on it tbh. My first post will be about a book I finished this night ( if you see this tomorrow it was last night but then the time stamp would show you that...) The name of the book is hopeful by Louise bay from the book cover it looks steamy and yes it absolutely is and that's one of the reasons why it was amazingggggg butttttttt I'm not going to be talking about the coital scenes lmao. I want to talk about how the girl almost lucked out of a good guy because of dumb friends, lack of self-confidence etc. soo our prince charming in this book seems to be an all-round amazing guy, handsome, funny, thoughtful, etc and because of all these qualities the girl thought he was out of her league and was very insecure about their relationship Now we're all prizes ( not if you're a shitty person tho if you're shitty y...