Is hyper self consciousness really just unhealthy narcissism?

 


I can't afford therapy, so I'm in the process of deconstructing myself just so I can heal or, at least, heal enough to enjoy life and myself a little more. 

One nasty habit I've struggled with for the longest is my self-consciousness. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, or it's the endless mix of taunts and compliments I've received, but I'm constantly thinking of what other people are thinking or think about me. 

Thinking because I assume it's a constant act. Think - what representation of me exists in their minds? 

Constantly thinking. of what. other people. are thinking. about me. Inserting myself in other people's minds and ruminating over what that image of me could be there. Isn't that insane? It's quite narcissistic. The gall to think that strangers, with their own problems, lives, and realities, have enough time to constantly be bothered with me.

Is narcissism extreme?

A bit, but Google dictionary says Narcissism is "excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance." According to Brittanica, it is " pathological self-absorption." 

Then combine that with self consciousness: "undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions."

I know I'm barely scratching the surface of narcissism and it's a whole personality disorder, but, at the face level, this type of self-consciousness is narcissistic. I'm so insecure that I believe my appearance, actions, and being are constantly on people's minds. 

Realistically, yes, I could be on some people's minds, but not seriously enough to spend so much time in their minds while neglecting mine. 

Here's an analogy that truly encapsulates the craziness. I'm leaving my house, trying to peep into the houses of others to guess what they think of mine. I can only guess, since I can't enter the house, so I'm abandoning my house for houses I'll never gain access to. Oh my, breaking it down like this is making me see how dumb I've been lmao. 

The country is unbearable and living is a chore, but somehow Bimbo running like a turkey would be someone's concern? BFFR. Even if it registered in someone's mind, it would be quickly enveloped by more important thoughts, NOT ME. NOT ME.

And even if I am on someone's mind, it's not my duty to wonder what's happening in there when I'm barely managing mine. Such a waste of energy.

 I could be tending to my mind, soaking in nourishing thoughts, and heck, thinking of naruto hentai or something. Instead, I choose to be bothered by NOTHING.

Life is short, and I could die anytime. Do I really want to spend a large portion of it being weighed down by phantoms? HELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


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