Envy, you bastard

For the longest, I've always been envious. Envious of someone's beauty, hair, income, friends routine, mindset. I have the ojukokoro syndrome to a T, always looking at what others have and neglecting mine even if I'm in a good space. Whenever I saw someone, I was always in a constant state of lack that it seemed they were always flaunting their "abundance".

"Look at me, I have perkier boobs than you!!" "My hairline isn't struggling like yours, tee hee hee." I could blame this mentality on years of competitive boarding school life, where prepubescent males would draw up lists of finest girls and I barely made them. Or when my classmates would ostracise me because I was "disturbed". Or when my classmates would compare intelligence and say I'm not really smart, I just know how to cram.

The fact that I remember these statements and events verbatim shows how much I've healed. I've not. Not really. I'm trying to. I've gotten way better, but retraining a negative mindset is so hard. 

How do I undo over a decade of damage? I'm an adult now and when I think I'm making good progress, a text, image, or song, takes me back to secondary school Bimbo who depended on external validation and never fought for herself. How could she? When she was bullied by both her mates and seniors. 

Once again, excuses excuses, and WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ENVY!! I wonder too, but what I know is, when you feel deficient, you automatically wish you were the person that seemingly has it all. Even when that's not the case.

I know that's not the case now. I'm immensely blessed. Life IS good. It's not where I want to be, but it is amazing. I don't think 13 year old me would've ever thought I'd accomplish what I have now, and that's something to be proud of.

I've done a lot of things to be proud of and I should really hype myself more and marinate in contentment. Be content that I'm alive, be content that I'm fully abled, be content that I choose to go hungry by choice, be content that I'm surrounded my love. But above all, be content that I'm stuck with me, who always does her best and defies the odds. So, why should I be envious? 

Envy won't unflab my boobs (LOLLL), it won't grow my account. It only festers so, now, I choose to give envy a big fat ippo punch whenever it pops up 



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