I want to change

Wow, it's been five long years since I posted here, and is there anything I've ever successfully completed besides my degree?

I was a teen when I made most of my posts, and here I am, 23, overwhelmed by more societal and mental pressure than past Mes. Crushed under the weight of the past and future while living in neither. 

You know, life IS simple, but my life is very hard because I choose to suffer. I've chosen to cultivate a mind that is a revolving door of voices and images of embarrassing past events and devastating future events that are yet to happen. 

Previously, I'd have never admitted this, but after reading Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, I had an epiphany. Why really do I run away from the beautiful present? Why have I chosen to blame past people, events, and Mes.

Here's a quote that really stood out to me:

"We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining... We determine our lives according to the meaning we gvive to those past experiences. Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live."

Factually, I'm extremely blessed. I have no reason to be anxious or embarrassed because things DO always work out for my good. I'm independent, smart, and gifted in so many ways, but I doubt AMAZING me because of what, things past people who probably don't even remember me said? It really is madness. 

My pessimistic brain has forgotten and chooses to ignore all the good things and sticks to the bad always, and this reflects in how I handle relationships with myself and external people. 

I want to change. I don't want to latch on to the negative about myself anymore. I want to love myself.  I want to love myself so much I never stop falling in love with me. I want to love myself so much I do whatever it takes to guarantee a good life. I want to love myself so much that I anticipate seeing my reflection instead of shying or running away. I want to love myself so much I do all the hard things now that would make life much easier for future me. 

I want to change. I don't want to suffer in my mind anymore. I want to comfort myself. I want that deep knowing, love, and confidence that ignores the bad things I tell myself. I want to know I deserve love and all the good things life has to offer. I never want to think, "why me?" when I experience love or amazing things because I am always deserving.

I want to change. I don't want to run away from hard conversations, tasks, or events anymore. I want to be bold. I want to face my fears head-on. I want to always try my best even if success isn't guaranteed because what if it is? 

There are many more things to say, and I know change doesn't happen overnight, but I wish, hope, and pray that I change so much that this current life becomes a past one.

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