my ranting space

  I can't afford therapy, so I'm in the process of deconstructing myself just so I can heal or, at least, heal enough to enjoy life and myself a little more.  One nasty habit I've struggled with for the longest is my self-consciousness. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, or it's the endless mix of taunts and compliments I've received, but I'm constantly thinking of what other people are thinking or think about me.  Thinking because I assume it's a constant act. Think - what representation of me exists in their minds?  Constantly thinking. of what. other people. are thinking. about me. Inserting myself in other people's minds and ruminating over what that image of me could be there. Isn't that insane? It's quite narcissistic. The gall to think that strangers, with their own problems, lives, and realities, have enough time to constantly be bothered with me. Is narcissism extreme? A bit, but Google dictionary says Narcissism is "exces...

Wow, it's been five long years since I posted here, and is there anything I've ever successfully completed besides my degree? I was a teen when I made most of my posts, and here I am, 23, overwhelmed by more societal and mental pressure than past Mes. Crushed under the weight of the past and future while living in neither.  You know, life IS simple, but my life is very hard because I choose to suffer. I've chosen to cultivate a mind that is a revolving door of voices and images of embarrassing past events and devastating future events that are yet to happen.  Previously, I'd have never admitted this, but after reading Courage to be Disliked  by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, I had an epiphany. Why really do I run away from the beautiful present? Why have I chosen to blame past people, events, and Mes. Here's a quote that really stood out to me: " We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining... We determine our liv...

 Who says you have to be happy for someone's success? I don't know if I'll say it's the society that has conditioned us, but it almost seems like we're forced to be happy for someone else. But come on, we're human. Jealousy & envy is to be expected. I'm sure most, if not ALL, of us have seen someone celebrating something and thought, "why can't that be me? "It's perfectly normal, and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting what someone else has. Or thinking it should be you instead. It's giving hater but boo fucking hoo.  On a side note, this isn't for chronic haters oh. If you go about hating on people's success, that's on you tbh.  This is for my fellow people who sometimes feel less or like god's worst offspring when they see how well it's going for other people. I can't say it's going to get better, but you could make it better for yourself. I'm talking s...n...i.... Lmao, I'm joking! But fr, l...

Here comes another milestone. We're finally in a new month, July, the seventh of the 12 months. To some, this is just another month. And to others, this is a cruel reminder that they're yet to achieve most of the things they want.  I just want to tell you to breatheeeeeeeeee. As you're reading this, take a deep breath. Hold it in. Hold it. Still hold it. Now releaseeeeee.  See ehn, you can't come and kill yourself. Unless you actually want to unalive yourself... But that's beside the point here. Take every new month like a clean slate. Another chance to accomplish more things and take more steps towards your goals.  We focus so much on the things we don't have, that we lose sight of the things we do have. Okay, maybe you're not yet working at your dream job. But you have a warm bed to sleep in at night and can eat most of the things you want. It may seem like a small thing, but isn't it the little things that matter the most? ( Yes, I went to google to c...

 I won't even lie, I give up very fast. Let me provide the background story for this topic. Some days ago, I had this sudden epiphany about starting a newsletter. It's something that'll challenge me, bring me out of my comfort zone and hone my skills. I was thinking, " This is going to be easy" Oh, how wrong I was. Creating an account on Mail Chimp was easy, but that's where it stopped. My enemies started making a mockery of me when it was time to design my sign-up form. Do you guys know how hard it is to match attractive colours? Very damn hard. Everything kept looking like visual diarrhoea, and it wasn't long before my head started banging. Shoutout to designers, it isn't easy at all. While I was facing the monkey ( Mailchimp ), I already felt like giving up. I still do, tbh. But then I asked myself, " How many things do you want to fail at? " LMAO, I'm laughing at myself as I'm writing this, but it's really true. I have this sa...

 Honestly, if your parents are the best, congrats. And clearly, this isn't the post for you. I think people misunderstand when we bash our parents. I mean, I'm not a perfect human being and I definitely suck in some ways. I can acknowledge that, so why can't I point out the same in the people responsible for my existence? I previously titled this rant parents suck but do they really suck? I snap and get cranky at the slightest inconvenience and I haven't even started taking on any major responsibilities. Imagine just trying to survive, dealing with family drama bills, etc, and having to cater to a child too? I'm not even trying to justify anything but writing it down now, I'm not even surprised at the transfer of aggression. Maybe when some of our parents look at us, they see mistakes and regret. Sucks to hear but meh. Recent dealings have also taught me that majority of parents are just overgrown babies. Poor communication and unappreciation are huge problems f...

 Idk but I naturally don't gaf about new years. I know it's an opportunity to set new goals but what's the point if you enter the new year feeling unfulfilled? I guess the average person gets this rush of hope when they see that they've crossed over to a new digit they can write on dates. But honestly, I'm just feeling very meh. I'm anxious about results, taking on more responsibilities, and the rejections that I'll inevitably experience. ( already experiencing some, in fact )  I'm still waiting for that glimmer of hope. That moment of clarity where I see great potential in this year. Where I'll feel like a mountain climber who finally got the guts to scale an intimidating mountain. But at this moment, I'm still at the couch level. Useless, unmotivated, and just eating and sleeping. I'm happy for the people whose years have already started on a good note because my constant mood these days is annoyance. I don't even have the strength to p...